I don’t want to talk about it.

OK, look - we’ll talk about it, but I just want you to know I’m uncomfortable with the whole thing.

I mean the thing is, in so many ways I still imagine myself as a kid.  And there’s no way as a kid I could ever imagine myself as…50.  Only old people were 50 when I was a kid. And yet, here we are.

I feel like an astronaut landing on a new planet (Planet 50), trying to report back to my 10-year-old self in 1982 what this strange new world is like.

Agent 50: “Mission Control, (Pshh…)” That’s the sound effect that apparently happens whenever an astronaut or pilot pauses while speaking on their headsets. It’s like static or something. “This is Lieutenant Explorer, Agent 50…” 

Wait a minute. This is my fantasy.  Why am I only a Lieutenant?  

“Agent 10, this is Major Skywalker, Agent 50, reporting.” Trust me, that title will really impress 10-year-old me.  “I am preparing to exit the Spacecraft and step foot on Planet 50 for the first time.”

Agent 10: “What do you see? Is it cool?”

Agent 50: “(Pshh…)”

Agent 10: “Agent 50…are you OK? What do you see?”

Agent 50: “The terrain appears familiar.  Vitals are good so far. Hmmm…(Pshh…)  blood pressure seems a little high. Traces of early arthritis.  No significant wardrobe differences to report, though my walking does appear to be aided by something called ‘memory foam’ shoes.  They’re labeled Orthopedic.”

Agent 10: “Agent 50, assess your appearance. Do we look cool?”

Agent 50:  “Copy that. Let me check…(Pshh…) Agent 10, I appear to be dressed for…comfort.”

Agent 10:“Oh God!”

Agent 50:“I do appear to wear a lot of black on Planet 50.”

Agent 10: “Black…not oversized, neon bright colors or iZods? Why? WAIT! Oh no…are you a…did I become a priest or something? Oh geez…No, No, No…the girls. What about all the girls?”

Agent 50: “Wait, I do see two girls. (Pshh…) One appears to be our wife and the other looks like our daughter. Oh, and I see lots of young people. OK I get it now. Those are the other parents from your daughter’s 4th grade class.  Dude, we waited a really long time to have a kid.”

Agent 10: “Really? Why?  Are we ugly or something?  Do we have acne? Do I still have big puberty nose?”

Agent 50: “What? My nose seems fine.  The rest is inconclusive at this point.  Oh, but it does appear we work in Film & Video and as a writer.”

Agent 10: “Film and Video… you mean we make movies?”

Agent 50: “(Pshh…) Mostly corporate video…”

Agent 10: “What? Ah, man.  Well, what do we write? Any comic books or something else cool?”

Agent 50: “No…it’s something called a column…in a free magazine.  Oh wait. We have written two books…oh, but it looks like they’re both unpublished…as of yet.”

Agent 10: “What does that mean?”

Agent 50: “It means we wrote them, but nobody wanted them.”

Agent 10: “Well that figures with the free magazine. Dang, dude.  Well, what about music? Is Michael Jackson still the King of Pop?”

Agent 50: “About that…”

Agent 10: “Seriously! Well, what are people listening to?”

Agent 50: “Something called Rap.”

Agent 10: “What? Who’s Rap?”

Agent 50: “Apparently it’s not who but what, Agent 10.  My findings suggest the Rap genre sells more music than any other music type in the year 2022 on Planet 50.”

Agent 10: “None of this stuff makes sense to me, Agent 50.  Do we at least drive a cool car?”

Agent 50: “It’s something called a Sedan.”

Agent 10: “What’s a Sedan?”

Agent 50: “You don’t want to know…”

Agent 10:“Geez, man.  Do we at least live someplace cool, like New York or LA?”

Agent 50: “(Pshh)…We…uh…appear to still live in Bartlesville.”

Agent 10:“What the Frick, man? Please tell me we at least make a lot of money.”

Agent 50: “(Pshh…)”

Agent 10:“So you’re saying in 40 years I will be living in the same town, driving something called a Sedan, wearing comfortable clothes…AND not making a lot of money…Wow. I’m blaming you on this one Agent 50. I’m just a kid here.”

Agent 50: “Well, maybe if you’d paid more attention in Summer School…”

Agent 10:“Wait - SUMMER SCHOOL!  I’m going to Summer School? Gawd, don’t tell me any more.  Planet 50 sucks! I bet Knight Rider isn’t lame on Planet 50.”

Agent 50:“Knight Rider…you mean David Hasselhoff…yeah, let’s not cling too closely to that star.”

Agent 10:“Agent 50, you gotta give me something here.”

Agent 50:“Well, we seem reasonably healthy on Planet 50.  You do something called CrossFit. There’s a lot of lifting heavy things over your head and doing something called Burpees. I can’t immediately see the appeal.  Aside from that, we look fairly happy. We have a nice house and lots of friends.”

Agent 10:“Agent 50, we can drink now on Planet 50, right?”

Agent 50:“Of course.”

Agent 10:“How about you hook you up and send some beers back in time.”

Agent 50:“Stop.”

Agent 10:“Man, this is a lot to take in.  In some ways it’s like nothing has changed.  In other ways, it’s like nothing I expected it to be.  Agent 50…I know this will sound stupid…but is there still a God on Planet 50?”

Agent 50:“(Pshh…)”

Agent 10:“Agent 50, what are you saying?”

Agent 50:“Sorry, Agent 10 - I’m still scanning the planet for signs of divine life forms.  I am getting something, but it’s very…  I can only find it if I hold very still. (Pshh…)  Yes, I do still see evidence of God on Planet 50, but it’s very different than before. Before we used to look into the stars to find God.  Here, I mostly see him reflected in the faces of those around me.  It’s very real and beautiful but very different.  There’s so much color and luminance but there’s also so much noise…it makes it hard to focus on the light. That’s the frequency thing, I guess.  If I adjust it to eliminate the interference and noise…even shouting…I do see God.

Agent 10:“Agent 50…are we happy on Planet 50?”

Agent 50:“Yes, I think so.  There’s a lot happening around us, even in us.  Things don’t look the way I thought they would. It appears we had a very difficult time holding on too tightly to things on the way here, maybe taking things too seriously.  Our body seems to have held up during the trip, but there’s been quite a bit of wear.  (Pshh…) But we love our wife and we love our daughter (she even kinda looks like us-bless her soul).  And we are better at love and art and writing and living than we were on the way here.  It’s not perfect, but I do think we’re happy.”

Agent 10:“Agent 50…do we have a ‘Dad-bod?’”

Agent 50:“(Pshh…)”

Agent 10:“Never mind.”

Agent 50:“My attention is needed here, Agent 10, I have to sign off.  Just know we’re going to be OK. There’s nothing to fear here. Out.”

Agent 10:“Copy that. Godspeed, Agent 50.”

-END-